Many have noticed that I have been away from social media for a while—and thanks for checking up on me because that’s what friends do! I felt so much love. I needed the time away for a moment to focus on myself and to really take this time to RESET.
What’s been going on? I am now a full time college student pending graduation. It’s all a work in process and it’s very hard work, but I can see the finish line and I know I’ll get things done. I have been experiencing some not so pleasant health issues. Varying from ruptured cysts (they really, REALLY hurt) to some mental health issues with one in particular that I’ve been dealing with for 17 years.
I’m ready to share something personal. This may come as a surprise and a shock because I consider myself very happy the majority of my days. I am new to being vocal about this. I suffer from BED. If you’re not aware, it is a binge eating disorder. I am no stranger to this, and I have lived quietly in the dark with this for a majority of my life. I still remember my first “episode” and the feeling of shoving food down my throat to the point where I couldn’t breathe to heal my pain. It was only last year that I began to admit I had a problem. It was this year I found the courage to seek help.
All these years, I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. These episodes I had would come on unannounced and I’d lose control. I had hid a lot of my emotions in food. I had feared weight gain and somehow it was wired in me subliminally (possibly having an Asian background) that having any type of “fat” was a death sentence. Some days I would overeat, and some days I would rarely eat. I was berated a lot by peers and my own family members for gaining weight. I have had to block/cut off many of those people in my life who harbored negativity in my life. It was very sad, but extremely crucial in this healing process. I had a lot of unhealthy thought processes and anxiety from these memories. I did a lot of mirror gazing and would obsess over my reflection in a very unhealthy way. A day didn’t go by where I had not thought about body image constantly.
The point is I don’t want to be ashamed of who I am or what it means to be human. I don’t want to portray a perfect life without struggle. No one has a perfect life and this is so important to be honest about. This narrative that we can’t be ordinary has really killed a lot in our society. Though we love those “perfect” still frames in time posting about our accomplishments and traveling pictures, it's not constant—and it shouldn't be. It’s highly unrealistic, but that’s why it makes these posts so great. We have to have the yin with the yang, the struggle with an accomplishment.
I hope to bring some normalcy in struggle, pain, and feeling uncertain. It’s okay to be human--to have insecurities and to continue to build our self esteem as the days go by as we improve ourselves. I kept this secret for years and now I want to share my story in hopes that I could encourage or inspire someone to ask for help--to be vocal. We all have so much more in common than we realize and you deserve happiness.
I am not a victim of my BED. This is just one struggle that I will overcome. And in my future, I will still have struggles. I am just relearning how to manage and deal with these emotions in a helpful manner so I can take on the future with new and healthy habits. With support and great friends, professional help, educating myself, and most of all self-love, I will do this. In conjunction with studying biology in my college courses, I knew that how I was living was not a substantial lifestyle. This would be detrimental to me on a molecular level. I needed to stop. Educating yourself on your struggles is so crucial.
I now have a therapist I work with and I am overwhelmingly thrilled about my new beginnings. She has given me such clarity and insight in my life. I have not binged in 2 weeks which is HUGE for me! My therapist reports that I’m doing very well and she’s proud of me for the small accomplishments I have already made in the short time we’ve worked together.
We are not perfect, but we can continuously strive for it—that’s life. You become the best version of you there is. It’s been a long time coming and I know I am truly worthy of recovery and living out my full potential. 🙂
Sending lots of love and happiness. ❤️❤️❤️
Ps. There’s soooo many projects I’ve been working on! I can’t wait to show you guys what I’ve been hiding up my sleeve for 2021! (AHHHHH!!!!)